9 months since he left for the ow.... update - Talk About Marriage

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Today, 01:58 AM	? #1 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 329	It has been 9 months since my h left me and our 4 week old and 22 month old at the time. If you are interested in the back story read my original thread my husband left me for an 18 year old Things have been up and down. He is still with ow and I'm 99% sure they moved in together. The whole thing is sick. I have been doing much better and just getting on with my life up until 2 days ago. I receive a text from the ow then, while having an after dinner walk with my children. It said something to the effect that she thinks 'it's time' that we meet up and talked. Ummm... no. It's not. I didn't text back. Then the next day she called both of my phones total of 11 times. I didn't pick up. When my stbxh came to pick up the kids today the asked me if i received the phone calls from ow, because she wanted to meet up with me. I seriously nearly lost it. I'm a fiery ***** to say the least.. I told him that she is persona non grata to me. There is no way in hell I will EVER speak to her. She doesn't exist in my life. I don't give a rat's ass if she lives with him, marries him, or gets pregnant. My life is free of her. I don't discuss my intimate relationships with 18 year old, stbx husband barely high school graduated students. However many he may have, now or in the future. I told him that if he wants to discuss things with me that's fine, but this is between us, she does not exist. Words cannot describe how I feel right now. The lack of empathy and thoughtlessness blow me away. I will not grant absolution. We still have to be married until Jan (law here), so no, it's 'not time we talked'. She's ****ing my husband and shattered my relationship. I don't get a chance to fix anything, for the sake of my children or for the sake of love. Absolutely not. This is such a slap in the face. WTF are those two morons thinking? I don't know why the hell she would even imagine that I would speak to her? She's around my children, I can't stop that if they're living together. It will hurt her that much more when it's over; she'll lose all 3 of them. I am not getting dealt with by a teenager. Jesus Christ. Am I mildly interested in what she had to say? No. I'm not. It was probably some idealized bull**** about how she cares about my children and her and my husband are forever so can we all be friends? Christ, how high school.... No we will not be friends. **** off. Thanks for letting me rant. I'm just sitting here with anxiety in my stomach and a fresh new cut in my heart. **** this. Gotta be kidding me.
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Today, 03:26 AM	? #6 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 23	Quote: It has been 9 months since my h left me and our 4 week old and 22 month old at the time. If you are interested in the back story read my original thread my husband left me for an 18 year old Things have been up and down. He is still with ow and I'm 99% sure they moved in together. The whole thing is sick. I have been doing much better and just getting on with my life up until 2 days ago. I receive a text from the ow then, while having an after dinner walk with my children. It said something to the effect that she thinks 'it's time' that we meet up and talked. Ummm... no. It's not. I didn't text back. Then the next day she called both of my phones total of 11 times. I didn't pick up. When my stbxh came to pick up the kids today the asked me if i received the phone calls from ow, because she wanted to meet up with me. I seriously nearly lost it. I'm a fiery ***** to say the least.. I told him that she is persona non grata to me. There is no way in hell I will EVER speak to her. She doesn't exist in my life. I don't give a rat's ass if she lives with him, marries him, or gets pregnant. My life is free of her. I don't discuss my intimate relationships with 18 year old, stbx husband barely high school graduated students. However many he may have, now or in the future. I told him that if he wants to discuss things with me that's fine, but this is between us, she does not exist. Words cannot describe how I feel right now. The lack of empathy and thoughtlessness blow me away. I will not grant absolution. We still have to be married until Jan (law here), so no, it's 'not time we talked'. She's ****ing my husband and shattered my relationship. I don't get a chance to fix anything, for the sake of my children or for the sake of love. Absolutely not. This is such a slap in the face. WTF are those two morons thinking? I don't know why the hell she would even imagine that I would speak to her? She's around my children, I can't stop that if they're living together. It will hurt her that much more when it's over; she'll lose all 3 of them. I am not getting dealt with by a teenager. Jesus Christ. Am I mildly interested in what she had to say? No. I'm not. It was probably some idealized bull**** about how she cares about my children and her and my husband are forever so can we all be friends? Christ, how high school.... No we will not be friends. **** off. Thanks for letting me rant. I'm just sitting here with anxiety in my stomach and a fresh new cut in my heart. **** this. Gotta be kidding me. I'm in the process of being left for another woman too. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. I keep thinking that if mine weren't leaving me for a nearly 60 year old woman who looks enough like a man that people have actually thought it's a cross dresser sometimes that maybe I'd feel better. But as I was reading your post I realized that no, it wouldn't feel better. It never feels better. I wish you strength. And I'm very sorry that you have to go through allowing your children to be around someone like that, well sounds like their dad isn't maybe a good one to be around either. I have no idea what that would feel like. I hope you'll find the beautiful life you deserve.
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Today, 03:34 AM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: England Posts: 466	I am so sorry to hear about your situation. The fact he left you for another woman is bad enough, but an 18 year old must just cut that much deeper. I hope you don't see this as flippant, but it is almost laughable that this 'relationship' is serious, even more laughable that your husband is taking it seriously! I mean, god, an 18 year old? How old is he? Surely there can only be disaster ahead for them. At minimum they have got together under dubious circumstances and theirs will never be a fully secure relationship. If she got pregnant she will then have the full realisation of what she did to you hit her, and she will be forever wondering when she will receive the same treatment. He will always be wondering why she goes for him and when she will get bored and go for someone nearer her own age. This really can only lead to disaster. They will be very lucky if it all works out. I agree with Kando. You definitely need to get to a point of indifference. Look at what you have gained (impossible considering all you have lost? I hope not completely impossible) you have found out what a bastard your hubby is before you spent even more years with him. I am guessing you are still young given that your children are so young, and so you have all that time in front of you to find someone more decent than him. I hope he was an education for you, that you will be educated on certain patterns of behaviour and you will know what to avoid next time, and thus be better educated to choose a better mate. And by golly, best of all, you don't have to wash his dirty pants and smelly socks no more...she does! There! Problem sorted, life is good! What on earth have you got left to complain about? The only other thing you could do that might make you feel better, you could meet her, smile sweetly, be really nice to her, and then ask her about all his really irritating habits, his health problems, his weird nuances, those unpleasant things you did for him because you loved him but would never do for anyone else, ask her what she will do when she gets pregnant and he leaves her for a 16 year old, ask what happens when they are married, have a family of their own and she will have a diminished income due to his responsibilities in financing his previous family, what happens when you all have to have a third each of his income instead of half because he has left her with babies and moved on and got another woman pregnant....oh the possibilities are endless. You could have much mileage out of meeting her and being lovely. Just choose your questions carefully, and the most pertinent ones first before she stomps off in a teenage strop! __________________ They can't tell you what you need to get over 'it'! The only way forward if they GENUINELY care is 'What can I DO FOR YOU to make it better?' Originally posted by TRy: Question: How does a cheater say screw you? Answer: They say "trust me".
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Today, 06:53 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 329	missmolly: yes she did. It was such a relief. I basically collapsed physically. I slept for two weeks... most of the time. Work, sleep. I needed it. I also got sick with whooping cough and something else. I suppose because I could. My mom is amazing. Goldmember357, the way I found out that he was leaving: I was breast feeding my 4 week old daughter and noticed I had a vm on my phone. I listened to it. It was a conversation my stbxh was having with his best friend on a cigarette break. He accidentally called me, pushed the button. It was 5 minutes long and difficult to hear. One of the things he was telling his friend was that he was going to leave me in two months. That's how I found out. I called him screaming and shaking and told him to get his ass home. Then I confronted him. He told me that he was just venting, but then he said he'd leave. I told him I just knew there was somebody else. He denied it. I gave him the ring. I found out about ow about a month later, while snooping through the internet. I knew it must have been somebody from his work, he's a teacher. I thought it was another teacher. Nope. A student who just graduated. Then I found her twitter, fb etc, and there it was. Her deluded pouring out of her soul, with dates and details attached. He waited for her to graduate and for me to give birth to our (planned) bub #2. He was texting her when I was giving birth.... As to the finances, he took the money he had in the account that was his from his gmther's will. I had no job at the time ( I was supposed to have a year off). He gave me a card to use for food and he said he'd cover the bills. He did for about 2 months. He told me I could have the house... that later changed. I am however buying him out and he's fine with that. He left me the brand new car, he took his old one.... Soooo, I guess financially he didn't try to screw me over. I think he kind of loves his kids. He wants them to have a home. He visits them. He wants the family now and the kids (every other weekend) and a DIFFERENT mom-a.k.a. homewrecker. Makes me sick.
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Today, 07:21 AM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 329	JCD.Thanks for your kind words. As for the arm candy, that's the irony. Lordy lord, she is not attractive at all. Talk about cheating doooown. Everybody is completely puzzled by that, but I guess it's about other stuff, def NOT looks. Yeah, I think I'd be the evil mother either way. If I met with her, I would flip out and be cast as the psycho. If I blocked her then I'd be the *****. By telling my husband that she does not exist to me, I guess I'm the latter. Who know what he told her about me anyways. So yeah, who gives a damn what she thinks. She ruined my life and continues to rub it in my face. By I guess in her head, she saved my emotional refugee of a husband...
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Today, 08:25 AM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 2,748	Honeystly, I am so very glad you posted an update, I have been wondering for quite some time how you are doing and I'm glad you have checked back in with us. My core suggestion is that you find an intermediary to hand off the children to your husband. If you're worried they will somehow use that against you, what I'd do is have a neighbor, friend, or a hired babysitter hand the kids out the door to your husband while you stay in a bedroom and don't come out. Present (perhaps kissing the babes goodbye in view of H, but not coming close enough to speak to H). Even if you can only manage to arrange this one of the four times (because there are four meet up points--two pick ups, two drop offs), it will cut back on your contact. wrsteele1 has done this--as far as I know he went literally months without seeing his wife at all this way. He was, however, fortunate to have family nearby, so he could drop the kids there presumably and have the wife pick them up. He has credited his mental / emotional recovery to this in large measures. You have said yourself how much healthier you feel when you are out of contact with your stbex. That is nothing to minimize or overlook--instead I'd be seeking ways to extend and expand that as much as humanly possible. And no, you do not have to respond to a child who, in the United States, would be treated as a hostile witness in a statutory rape case. She isn't able to even approach arranging the meeting in a dignified way. Plus, you DO want to stay out of jail and avoid an assault charge, right? Methinks you stay far, far away from her.
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